How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
