I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
