My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
