Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
