Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
