I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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