There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
