Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
