If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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