If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
