Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
