Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
