Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
