how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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