Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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