JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
