Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize