remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
