Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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