i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
