Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
