Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
