Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
