my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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