I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
