I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
