the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
