the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
