so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
