the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
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