I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
