my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
