My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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