I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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