dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
