she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
