Ambien. No doubt about it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
