you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I did not marry a roomba.
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