whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
