Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize