Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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