He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
MIDGETS
????
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
