The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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