I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
