The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
