I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
