My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
