Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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