i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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