The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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