Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
