I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
