Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
