Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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