U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
