I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
