I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
