The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Do you remember whose house we're in?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
