Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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