we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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